You're Doing the Thing
by SnowyWolff
Summary: Why was it so hard to explain? And then, even once he got through the explanation without people misinterpreting, why was it so hard for them to understand? He wasn't broken. They weren't unattractive. Alfred was just asexual. [EmbrAce Series]


**You can't spell space gays without ace ✌✨**

* * *

Alfred wasn't quite sure why his brother thought it necessary to arrange blind dates for him, and why he agreed to them was another mystery to add to that, but he did know that his brother had quite possibly the _worst_ taste in potential dates.

The girl was staring at him. In such a way that made him want to bolt out of the cafe.

"What do you mean, you don't want to have sex?"

Okay, so maybe he shouldn't have blurted that out five minutes into small talk, but frankly, he had learnt the hard way not to get too invested before making it abundantly clear he just didn't _want that_.

"Um, well." He laughed awkwardly, staring intently into his coffee cup as if it held all the answers. Glancing back up at her and her pretty brown eyes, he started: "Well, you see, there's people—there's _me_—that don't really… feel like having sex? Like, um, it's just… not that interesting, I suppose?" He didn't know why he phrased all his sentences like questions, but he felt hesitant and forever unready to explain.

"You could just say you're not attracted to me," the girl snapped.

"No, no! Oh, God, that's not—" Alfred half-heartedly threw up a hand as she grabbed her purse and stood.

"Ugh. Whatever." She was already halfway across the space before she called back a harsh "Bye, Alfred."

Alfred buried his face in his hands, just short of screaming in frustration. Why was it so _hard _to explain? And then, even once he got through the explanation without people misinterpreting, why was it so hard for them to _understand_? He wasn't broken. They weren't unattractive. Alfred was just asexual.

He picked up another packet of sugar, adding it to his already overly sweet coffee just to have something to do with his hands.

Maybe he should ask Matt to test the water first before handing out Alfred's number to every sweet face. That would certainly diminish the chances of being rejected, but Alfred also feared it would diminish any shot at a relationship ever, as irrational as it may sound.

Sighing, he sipped his coffee, wincing as it scalded his tongue, then again as it tasted merely of bitter sugar now. In a way, he welcomed it.

The chair opposite him slid back and Alfred glanced up wearily at the gentle smile of Ivan Braginski.

"May I?" Ivan asked, not even waiting for an answer as he placed his own cup of coffee on the table and slid onto the chair. His hair was ruffled by the wind, sticking up oddly on one side, and made potentially worse as Ivan ran a hand through it while he searched his bag.

"Must you?" Alfred had meant for it to be biting, but he just sounded tired.

Ivan picked up on it with a tilt of his head, glancing up, a notebook hung loosely between his fingers as if wanting to know whether it was worth the effort to pull it out. "I can leave if you want?"

Alfred dismissed his words with a flick of his hand. Honestly, now that Ivan had joined him, he felt somewhat better already. It at least meant he wasn't totally undesirable to some people. "Might as well stay. Distraction over self-depreciation, I suppose."

Ivan drummed his fingers against the table, but didn't ask when Alfred turned to stare out of the window distractedly.

It wasn't as if Alfred didn't like Ivan. Contrary to popular belief, Alfred sincerely appreciated his company on any other day. Today was simply not a good day.

Glancing back at Ivan, who, for a lack of conversation from Alfred (rare, but not unheard of), had pulled out his laptop, coffee cup at his lips as his eyes flicked across the screen.

"You're doing the thing," Ivan muttered, not glancing up.

Alfred blinked, lowering his eyes to his own mug. "Sorry." He hesitated. "Mind if I ask you a question?"

Ivan finished whatever he was reading and met Alfred's eyes curiously, folding his hands underneath his chin. "You're really bothered, aren't you?"

Alfred pursed his lips, kicking at Ivan's legs petulantly. "_I__'m_ supposed to ask the question here."

Ivan chuckled. "Yes, yes. Go ahead."

"Right, so." Alfred scratched his head. "Don't look too much into it, but, like, do you think sex is important in a relationship?"

Something flickered in Ivan's eyes, but he didn't otherwise react than with a thoughtful hum. "For some people it is."

Alfred rolled his eyes. "I'm aware," he said dryly. "But what do _you_ think?"

Ivan's lips thinned slightly, not quite into a frown, but something almost there. "I don't think it should matter," he said carefully, weighing his words. "Love is a driving force in and of itself already; sex should be an optional choice."

Alfred nodded slowly. He had expected as much from Ivan, but the hesitation within Ivan's answer wasn't lost on him. It almost felt as if Ivan didn't really feel assured by his own view.

Then, Ivan tapped his chin thoughtfully and added, "I definitely understand why some people think it's important to have sex in a relationship. Society tells us it is after all. But sex is only important insofar someone relates that kind of intimacy with love, care and emotional intimacy."

Alfred snorted. "You make it sound so clinical."

"What, sex?"

"Love too."

"Is it not?"

"'Course not."

"Love is just another chemical reaction in the brain."

Alfred scoffed, missing the waver in Ivan's voice. "Love is love. It's warm and fuzzy. It's freeing."

Ivan's finger glided along the rim of his cup. "I see." He picked up again. "So, love—romantic love—is passion. Sex is clinical?"

"Yes." Alfred frowned. "No."

Ivan just gave him an amused smile. "What is it then?"

"Sex is optional, as you said. Romantic love is steady."

"It's a crux?"

"It feels good."

Ivan grinned. "So does sex, apparently."

"Oh, shut up."

Alfred wasn't really annoyed, mirroring Ivan's grin. Going back and forth with Ivan helped him clear his head; it was part of the reason why he enjoyed spending time with him.

"What about platonic love?" asked Ivan, recapturing Alfred's eyes from the window.

Unsure of how that fit into the conversation, Alfred asked, "What about it?"

"You say romantic love is steady, but isn't platonic love even more so?"

"I guess?" Alfred pondered. "Platonic love is so steady that it's forgettable. Not that it isn't really important, but yeah."

"But opposed to that there's romantic love, which is a rollercoaster of insecurities."

Alfred laughed. "Maybe you're right. But they're both warm and good."

"Warm," Ivan echoed, smiling.

"Yeah. Cozy-like."

"Love is cozy?"

"Don't you think?"

Ivan took a long sip from his coffee, eyebrows scrunched together. "I think you're full of shit."

"Ivan," Alfred whined. "And here we were being civil."

An almost mischievous smile peeked over the lip of Ivan's cup. "I think love is peaceful."

"You're so cheesy."

"You said it was freeing earlier, so I don't want to hear it."

"Fair enough." Alfred held up his hands in surrender, leaning back into his chair casually, not quite managing to stop a grin from spreading.

Swallowing the last of his liquid sugar (because even he could admit that whatever he had no longer constituted as coffee), Alfred turned back to people watching from the window. He assumed Ivan would resume his reading or whatever, but after a little pause, Ivan piped up softly, "Do you think sex is important?"

"No. It's not. To me anyway."

He couldn't quite place the expression Ivan wore when he asked, "Do you think love is important?"

"In general, yeah, obviously."

"And in a relationship?"

"Uh. Isn't there always some sort of love in a relationship? In most relationships anyway?"

"Most?"

"Well, I mean." Alfred scratched his chin. "Matt's aro, you know? So there's more nuance than that? I'm not really sure."

Ivan nodded. "I see."

Alfred frowned as Ivan ducked his head, fingers gliding over the keys of his laptop. He felt as if he had just missed something important, but had no clue as to what it could have been.

* * *

The library was packed with students still trying to cram in that little bit of extra knowledge before their finals. Alfred didn't need to, having already studied and revised and crammed since the start of the semester. So had Ivan. But the two of them were still sat at a table with Matthew, who may have forgotten to study half the syllabus because he had never learnt to read, and Lovino, who was an honest part of the majority of the student body and a fool.

Alfred played with his pen on one of his self-imposed breaks. Not that he had been studying before this "break" either. His colour-coded notes, complete with stickies, paper clips and a large variety of gel pens, had been open on the same page for over an hour. At most, he'd run through some formula again, but at this point it just felt redundant.

He glanced up at Ivan, whose legs were between Alfred because neither felt the need to cramp themselves up. There were bags underneath his eyes, though Ivan often looked sleepless, and Ivan blinked lethargically at his screen. His pale hair hung over his eyes, even as Ivan brushed his bangs aside irritably from time to time. Alfred would almost call the way Ivan scrunched up his nose cute, but then Ivan's eyes flicked up to meet his and Alfred knew the annoyance was aimed at him.

"You're doing it again," Ivan whispered—mouthed almost.

Alfred rolled his eyes, glancing to his side where Lovino was furiously scribbling notes, then to where Matthew's head bowed over his course book, fingers tangled in his hair in mild despair. He shifted in his seat, leaning forward and placing his head on his folded hands.

"I'm bored," he whispered, though not really as someone from the next table over shushed him.

"You don't have to be here." Alfred thought it was a little unfair Ivan wasn't shushed.

He opened his mouth, but Lovino elbowed him with a scowl. Pouting, Alfred found an empty page in his notebook and wrote: _why aren__'t you bored out of your mind?_

Ivan had trouble trying not to smile as he took one of Alfred's gel pens to write his reply. _Unlike _some_ people, I do have more to study._

_No, you don__'t. I've been throwing flashcards at your head for months_.

_There__'s always more_.

"There's a limit," Alfred murmured, wincing when Lovino hissed next to him as a definite final warning.

Ivan closed his laptop and gestured to the exit. Alfred eagerly followed him, leaving his stuff behind to catch up with Ivan's large strides.

"Let's get coffee," Alfred said the moment the library door closed behind him.

"Yes. Because we need you on sugar and caffeine bored out of your mind in the silence of the library."

Alfred laughed. "As if you're any better. You get super jittery."

"You've been paying attention, I see." Ivan teased, though it made Alfred pause.

Had he been? He certainly hung out with Ivan a lot more now, but that was mostly because he and Ivan shared almost all their classes together. Besides, Ivan was cool. A little strange sometimes, but a fuck ton of fun.

Alfred chuckled awkwardly, knowing he had been quiet a bit too long. "Yeah, well, uh, so have you."

The confused look Ivan sent him as he pushed open the door to the coffee shop made Alfred feel even more awkward. "Yes? Like friends do?"

Alfred's stomach did something and instead of trying to discern whatever that meant, he made a beeline for the counter, flashing the barista one of his brighter smiles. She blushed prettily, though Alfred hardly noticed as Ivan's arm brushed his as he peered at the menu.

Coffees in hand, they were lucky enough to claim an empty table by the window, though they both had to squish their way in as the tables all stood closely together, and neither was particularly skinny, nor particularly short, so it was a bit of a struggle.

"She's still looking," Ivan said and nodded to the counter even as Alfred was preoccupied with adding more sugar packets to his coffee.

Alfred glanced up from his task, spilling half a sugar packet next to his mug. He flashed a quick small smile at the girl as she gave him a coy little wave. Normally, Alfred might have sauntered over to chat her up since she was clearly interested, but his previous encounter still sat heavily in his stomach, so he turned back to the obviously mentally strenuous task of adding sugar to his coffee.

"I'm not that interested," he muttered.

"Really?" Disbelief coloured Ivan's voice.

"Are you?" Alfred peeked up to see a weird expression on Ivan's face.

"No."

"Then what's the deal?"

"I guess there's none." Ivan almost voiced it like a question.

They spent their time in a strange kind of silence neither seemed to know how to break.

* * *

Alfred felt a little cheap as he stood between the stacks at the bookstore. He had lost Matthew sometime earlier to the detective fiction and had meandered his way to the science books. There, he had promptly forgotten about books in the face of Ivan stood in the corner, chatting with a guy.

He didn't actually know why he felt the need to hide, but it seemed like a better option than involving himself in something that seemed rather personal. From the way Ivan's body was angled toward the other man to the smile that left Alfred just a little breathless even though it wasn't directed at him.

Running his fingers along the spines before him distractedly, he occasionally shot a side glance in their general direction. He didn't understand the churning in his gut, his unease with the situation, but what he did know was that it was unfair.

Unfair that this person stood so closely to Ivan, could touch him so easily. Unfair that Ivan would smile so warmly at someone who wasn't Alfred. Unfair that it just wasn't Alfred.

"Fuck," Alfred muttered.

That—he—that Ivan—and Alfred—

He liked Ivan, didn't he?

Oh, balls.

* * *

"You're doing the thing again, Alfred," Ivan said from where he sat on Alfred's bed.

Alfred had been doing it quite unabashedly too, this time, so he straightened, but didn't otherwise look away from Ivan. How could he possibly?

The light that poured through the window brought out Ivan's eyes, bright and sharp and soft at the same time. It cast shadows onto his already handsome face, sharpening the contrast within his features.

Ivan shifted. "Alfred."

"Can I ask you a question, Ivan?" Alfred lowered his eyes, playing with his fingers.

"So we're having a break?" Ivan discarded his book with little hesitation. "Sure. What's on your mind?"

Alfred eyed the space next to Ivan, who patted it invitingly. He didn't need much more to crawl up next to him, leaning into Ivan's side with a small sigh.

"Do you think sex is important in a relationship?"

"Again?"

"Humour me, Ivan. Please?" Alfred looked up at him, needing to know so desperately.

Ivan frowned. "It shouldn't matter."

"Does it matter to you?" Ivan hesitated, so Alfred continued, "I'm ace, so that's why I'm asking."

"Oh." Ivan stared into Alfred's eyes, a little wide-eyed and nervous and— "Me too."

Alfred blinked. "I—you are?"

Ivan nodded, then startled as Alfred burst into laughter. Alfred pressed a hand against his mouth to stifle it, but it was just so stupid. They were so fucking stupid.

"Ivan?" he began again after regaining a hold on himself. Ivan's hand had slowly crept toward Alfred's and Alfred opened it for him, grinning. "How can we study astrophysics and be so stupid at the same time?"

"Must be a prerequisite to the major," Ivan said, running his thumb over Alfred's knuckles slowly. Ivan fidgeted for a moment. "I should probably add that I think I'm some sort of aromantic too."

That honestly made a lot of sense, except: "Some sort?"

Ivan sighed, slumping down a little so he could rest his head on Alfred's shoulder. "It's hard to explain? Because I do like you, in a romantic way, I think, because it's _different_ from what I've previously experienced. It's, um, a little more grey?"

Alfred nodded. "All right. We don't have to be anything if you don't want to be." Ivan's fingers tightened around his, so he said, chuckling, "I mean, I'd like to be, but only if you're comfortable with it."

Ivan hummed. "I really don't know right now. I like this"—nodding at their hands—"and being just with you, but it's a little hard to know what I want when I've never been in this position before."

"That's fine." Alfred smiled. He really meant it too. It would take communication and a lot of learning from the both of them, but they could hopefully figure something out. And even if it didn't… It would suck, but it wouldn't be the end of the world.

Yet, Alfred slowly raised his hand, making sure to watch Ivan for any sign of discomfort or queasiness. Finding none but a hesitant kind of encouragement, he lightly placed his hand on Ivan's cheek. He slowly began to trace his cheekbones, down along his jaw, making Ivan laugh softly, warming Alfred's very soul.

"Is this okay?" he asked still, wanting to hear a tangible confirmation.

"Yes." Ivan's eyes glinted mischievously. "Is it warm? Cozy? What's it you said? Freeing?"

Alfred pinched Ivan's cheek, huffing, but unable to stop grinning. "So freeing. What's it for you?"

"Peaceful," Ivan said softly. "Even though it's you; it's very peaceful."

"Can't believe you said something very sweet, then immediately insulted me before making it sweet again."

"So peaceful," Ivan sighed.

Alfred rolled his eyes. "You're lucky you're cute too."

Ivan laughed again. "Thank God for that."

Alfred's eyes flickered to Ivan's lips. "Um. Can I ask a question? It's okay to refuse." After Ivan nodded, Alfred licked his lips and nervously continued, "Is it… Would it be okay for me to kiss you?"

"You're asking?"

Alfred met those eyes, curious yet thankful all the same. "Obviously."

"I wouldn't mind trying."

And before Alfred could pick that apart, Ivan leaned down and pressed his lips to Alfred's. It was short, and unsure, but oh, it was so good.

"Um," Ivan said as moved back and brought his arm up to rest against his eyes. "That was weird."

Alfred was still a little dazed. "Good weird or bad weird?"

"Good weird." Ivan found Alfred's hand again and squeezed. "Yeah. Definitely good weird."

"That's cool." Alfred chuckled bashfully, smiling as Ivan peeked at him. "That's, uh, good. Yup."

As Ivan smiled too, Alfred didn't really care at all what exactly their relationship was. It was warm, and fuzzy, and steady.

It was really, very good.

* * *

**So yeah Ivan's more grey aro, where he experiences some romantic attraction, but probably just not as much as Alfred does. And that's totally okay. People come in all different kinds and sizes and nothing's ever truly set in stone, especially not with such fluid things as gender and sexuality. Everyone experiences things differently, which is kind of the cool part about humanity, and everyone is just so valid 💜💜💜**


End file.
